[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
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Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.