I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.