BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Y’all ready for this
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
OH. COME. ON.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞