Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
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Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist