When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
![]()
You Might Also Like
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended