Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test

ME: Hold my bong

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

According to some “experts” called “doctors”…

You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.

Whatever.

me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough

him: sorry, but—

m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?

h: *sighs, pours*

m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please

h: now may I go back to giving communion?

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.