When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.