@Token_Geezer

When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

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@TEXASVETERAN

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@NYC_Blonde

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

@trevso_electric

When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.

@Schindizzle

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

@BillFienberg

I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”

@Stellacopter

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.