When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers

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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.


I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC


Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”


The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN


When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.


The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.


I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”

And I said, “Deal.”


I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.


If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.