When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
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Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot