You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
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My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon