Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
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Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts