It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
You Might Also Like
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.