I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
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Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
reviewed some movies recently
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes