I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.