Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.

I know this now.

*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.

Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?

Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

*lands on other planet*

“Take me to your pain medication”

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

Me: the cords are tangled.

Brain: pull at them.

Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?

Brain: pull at them violently.

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls

Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you!

[Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Feeling sad? Donuts.

Feeling blah? Donuts.

Feeling upset? Donuts.

Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.