I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
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Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.