Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
You Might Also Like
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again