People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
“Sheer Arrogance”
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Morning.