I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.