I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
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“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
*seductively corrects your posture*
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no