alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
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I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Breaking news:
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
i will not be silenced
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.