God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.