*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Customize Your Wedding.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.