*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
And that about sums it up.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?