Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
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If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.