I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
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I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I feel seen
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.