I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold