My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
You Might Also Like
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly