I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
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Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.