*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”