Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
I was bored.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.