Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life