Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
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Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
repaired
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes