*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Watermelon Boss!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???