Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
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tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance