I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
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*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.