My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

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Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.


Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.


People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.


As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.


i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day


I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.


hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for


Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids


“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.


Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.