@PyJamieParty

My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.

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@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

@david8hughes

Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.

@Tmoney68

People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.

@bigmacher

As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.

@wolfpupy

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

@cathisamazing

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

@jonnysun

hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for

@robin_991

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

@BGH70

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

@DannyZuker

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.