*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
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This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
They did not miss in the small print
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.