I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture