everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
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I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Love thy neighbor’s dog
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.