[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
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Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space