“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
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Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My wife has the worst taste in men.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
And now we wait
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :