I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
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i dont have time for this
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
estão todos miauvindo?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.