GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?