GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
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I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.