Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
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giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Encore…
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼