*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
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[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.