Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
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INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway