I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.