News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
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My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
I am a gravy boat captain
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.