My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
What personal space?
My dog
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.