@byrdie_num_num

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

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@AngryRaccoon2

“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”

-Me, when my husband has a cold.

@PerfectPending

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

@flashember

[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY

@mattZillaaaa

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

@DrCephalopod

“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”

@2tickytacky

Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”

Shark: *eats cop*

@DrunksWithGuns

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

@quantumsleep22

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.