@byrdie_num_num
@AngryRaccoon2 “Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
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@AngryRaccoon2 
@PerfectPending I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
@flashember [Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
@mattZillaaaa I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
@theDanLawler Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
@DrCephalopod “He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
@2tickytacky Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
@DrunksWithGuns *Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
@jess_stratton Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
@quantumsleep22 Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.