@byrdie_num_num

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

You Might Also Like

@TechnicallyRon

“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.

@AsgardianRose

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

@10InchesPlus

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

@shegotagronk

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

@TheBoydP

How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.

@gingerbrigade1

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

@DirtMcTurd

[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!

@AmishSuperModel

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.