“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
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I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[Enters baby room late at night]
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.