My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

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“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.


Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.


*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time


Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.


How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?

Is it four? Please say it’s four.


Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’


[friend being eaten by a bear]

*screaming violently*

Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!


See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.