How wrong was this guy?
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Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
won’t smith
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The Compass
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”