Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
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Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
What about second breakfast?
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.