Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )