If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*