Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

[packing for holiday]

WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase

ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.

Just gonna catch up and tackle him.

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget

I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.

The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously