Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
You Might Also Like
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
honestly, i need both:
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.