Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
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if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
the last thing a carrot sees
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you