Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
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My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
One of the best
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.