#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.